Ways to Simmer the Unwanted Friction
Between You and Your Partner.
Life gives enough lemons to burn out one's
optimism. Handling a career, attending
appointments, making supper, following up on
tight schedules and the list goes on. But being with
your partner shouldn't be a difficult and a stress-
filled situation. At the end of the day when you go
back home, you want to spend your time with
someone who uplifts your spirits and makes you
feel good, not the other way round.
Stress and worry can spark friction with your partner. It's inevitable. In most cases, when you're
loaded with its toll, you either let off the steam in
an unappreciated manner or simply turn cold and
withdraw. It might sound like the latter is a better
option but it's not. Holding back anger or any
uncontained issues, with time, will explode and
cause unasked-for wounds which are basically
potholes in the values that brought you and your
partner together. A relationship with fights is, in
truth, healthy. The trick is to not let the fights get
the better of you and your partner. Now how to do
that? Someone once suggested to his audience to
"Practice the skills of relationship". The phrase
itself sounds ridiculously simple and abstract,
doesn't it? He is not wrong but he forgot to break it
down and simplify the essence of it. It would need
a bit of elaboration to bring forth the ingredients of
that advice. In this article, the following should
help you out. It would be wise to let your partner
get their hands on this blog as well. A couple of
simple techniques with a long term impact.
Slowing things down
When you are at the brim of lashing out at
your partner, pause a bit, take a deep breath.
Didn't work? Take a couple more. Feel the air
filling up in your lungs. Put your feet on the
ground feel your body in your armchair. Do it
every time the liquid of resentment starts
warming up inside you. With time, you will be
able to trace your mind's quick impulse. If
what you feel is more powerful, consider
taking a walk. A nice, probably long,
This is the first approach of meditating your
mind up for a healthy way of expressing the
stuffed up issues and aggression mingling in
Identify Your Conflicting Behavioral Pattern
You had a bad day. Fine. You and your
"always and forever" had the most brutal
argument in almost 5 years. I feel you. After
the awful day is over and you're getting ready
for bed, your neurons are probably rummaging
through the recap of "THE FIGHT". Your
focus will first land on how you felt at those
precise moments. Hurt and misunderstood are
my top guesses. My advice? An upgrade to your thought process is a desperate need. What
I mean is you need to shift from the feels to
the deals. What happened? What did you do
and how did you react during those conflicts?
Did your vile thoughts found its way to walk
out from your mouth? Did your voice become
hoarse and loud with the culmination of the
argument? Did you storm out of the room?
Did you go a bit extreme and smash things?
Once you're able to have a clear picture of
your instinctual reaction, try to trace these
outbursts to your childhood tantrums. We
probably never link these behaviors with what sort of disagreements we had when we
were tots. If we were not taught to channel our
anger in a healthy way then, then we will get
the answer to the pattern of behavior we have
taken up now to resolve any provocative
issues. Not to worry. The ray of hope is always shinning at the end of the tunnel.
You can always do better with a little guidance and proper insight from the bird's eye view.
When the tiny self-tuned physiological
changes throws its specks of magic, ask yourself, "What happens to my body? Was I thinking critically?", when anger tightens in your chest, when fear makes knots in your stomach, when you possibly start feeling the warm rush of blood in your neck and ears, when a flashback of inconvenient actions of your partner reels in an endless loop in your mind, tricking you to react violently.
Pull your focus back to your physical
environment. Observe. What's around you?
May be you are busy checking your email and
your significant is sitting next you sipping tea.
Learn to recognize and read nonverbal queues
such as facial expressions, eye contact, voice
tone, posture etc. of your partner. This will
give away signs about the state of him/her.
Broaden your views
Will it hurt, after you've asked yourself those
questions, to see your partner as a full being? With a mixture of flaws and innocence?
When you were busy being passive aggressive,
did it ever occur to you to ask, "What do they need?", "What do they feel?", "What's causing them unhappiness?", "Why are they so tensed?", "Why are they so preoccupied in their thoughts?", "What's causing them to bottle up their emotions?". Highlight what matters most to you. Letting them know that you were right or that they mean the world to you? But be a little logical when it comes to accepting your significant other's flaws cause it might be a bit tricky while you do just that. You might probably be "head over heels" in love with them and might not see their faults as ACTUAL faults. This is not a good sign of a healthy mindset. You need to see what's acceptable and what's not. If unfair results are what you've been entertained with by your partner. It's time to analyze the reason behind every action of theirs. If you're unable to say "No" or move on from them, it is completely legit to get help and support from your friends and family to battle the fumes of toxicity that had been surrounding you. There are couples who are unafraid to attend marriage or relationship counselling. Seeking professional help will be a good guidance for each of the parties in a relationship. If your partner is adamantly against it even after all the chaotic approaches of resolutions, I have got two words for you "RED FLAG!". Never forget to test how comfortable you are in a relationship.
Identify what you can and what you can't
People need a firm grip on their lives so that
they can discipline themselves. This is simply called self control. This is what, with practice, you can control. What you can' control is your partner's behavior. You cannot, even with repetitive exhortation and persuasion, readjust them to meet your expectations. It will, on the flip-side, turn into rattling disruptions. You cannot change another being for who they are.
They will do their end of right deeds and
wrong approaches and so will you. Instead acknowledge and accept them as a whole imperfect but a beautiful soul just as you accepted to be with them and make it last.
If there are financial, communicational matters
or just incessant bickering routines, try to find the time to sit together and talk about it till an agreement has been reached on how to tackle the inconsistencies. If you don' spend much time together, try to schedule a time each week for it. And make sure not to skip it or make it a
If one splurges a lot and the other stashes
money in each envelop assigned for various bill payments and monthly necessities will easily get agitated with their spouse's behavior. The necessities that needs to be covered doesn't require bickering over but come to terms on your needs and their needs under a well funded budget.
There are relationships that break off due to incompatibility or if some form of abuse is at play. If that's the case remember there are plenty of people out there, waiting to treat you right. Praying for a partner, respect the set of values that might possibly be dear to your
heart. With patience and proper judgement,
you will probably be with them soon. But if
both are willing to work for the better and
eager to seek help, never stop believing in
each other and the bond that has kept you and
your partner united for this long. If you are
willing to analyze, calculate and wind-up your
corporate matters at work, why can't you build understanding, make tolerable compromises
and have a happy and contended life with your
partner? Life is a bumpy road. It will be much
less bumpier if familial matters are taken
seriously, starting with your significant other.
Reference: Dr. Melanie Greenberg's podcast
Optimal Relationships Daily Podcast.
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