Chapter 1: Silent night
I tried to save my parents’ marriage. I really did.
“It’s your fault we don’t have money.”
“How can you say that.”
“You spend a lot.”
Doors slammed. Tears rolled. Trauma began.
I saw my mother crying from the corner of my eyes. I wanted to comfort her but didn’t know how to speak. I wanted to hug her but couldn’t because I didn’t know how to walk. I felt like crying but could not understand the complexity of the situation. I started crying myself trying to make as less noise as possible. However, a moan escaped from my mouth as I had not developed a full capacity to control my emotions.
My mother looked at me suddenly as though noticing me for the first time. She didn’t realise someone else was also in the room. Her one-year-old daughter.
“It’s your fault this is happening. If I didn’t have to get you clothes to wear, I’d have the money,” she screamed.
Her eyes were menacing and her tone of voice cruel. She towered upon me like a giant. I got scared and started crying more furiously. She pinned me on the bed and shook me furiously. “Shut up, your dad will come.” I could not understand what she said but I did get the sense that she didn’t like the fact that I cried. But I was crying because she was crying. She lost her temper and shouted, “stop crying,” and was about to hit me when someone knocked on the door.
Chapter 2: Prophecy in a dream
She had forgotten to feed me. I was hungry. No one came in the room for a while. I got exhausted and slept. In the dream I was walking with a smile outside a gate. It was a moment of freedom. My parents were no where to be seen but a weary old man waved me goodbye. I felt happy from within. I walked out of the gate and locked it. I had grown taller than the gate. A feeling of accomplishment washed over me. I made it. I won. A voice echoed in the background, “Another world is not only possible, you’re on the way, and, on a quiet day, if you listen very carefully you can hear me breathe.”
In that moment I woke up with a start and my mother started changing my clothes. She looked at me with a sympathetic glance. She smiled after a long time. I sensed that she is in a better mood. She fed me, and put me to bed. But I had already slept and was in no mood to sleep. She tried to sing a lullaby hoping I would fall asleep. But I didn’t want to. She made a few half-hearted attempts to force me to sleep but it didn’t work. She gave up and went away.
Chapter 3: Someone
I wanted to tell her about my dream. I wanted someone to listen to me help make sense of it. I wanted company. I didn’t want to be left alone. I looked around for her thinking she would come back, but she didn’t.
“Who did I listen to in my dream?”
“Was it me or someone else?”
“Who was the girl stepping out of the gate?”
“Can that be me?”
“Is that the future?”
“Is it the past?”
Chapter 4: Nanny
When I opened my eyes the next morning, another pair of eyes were staring down at me. They were a new pair of eyes, ones I had never seen before.
I felt a different emotion. I felt my nerves relax, my shoulders lose their tension, breathing becoming normal and toes that were pointed, tuning inside.
This was a new feeling. It was a better feeling. I want more of this feeling. Does this feeling have a name?
“Sunita didi, please hurry. Get her ready, we need to go,” said my mom.
Chapter 5: Turning point
“They’re unhappy it’s a girl. How was I to know it’s a girl. They wanted a kid, and I gave them that. Now they want me to run my life according to them. I don’t want to do it.”
My mother had a habit of talking on the phone in the morning when I used to wake up. Her voice accusatory and threatening.
I was listening closely to her. But now I could distinguish between feelings that made my heart beat slower and the feelings that made me want to cry.
The vibration in the house is negative. It is filled with anxiety and limiting beliefs. The house is not able to breathe. It is being suffocated with hate messages. Plants are dying, which means that the air is filled with a very heavy and dense energy.
The messages are of anxiety about the future. The good emotions of peace and harmony are missing.
At times, I totally absorb these emotions. I feel like running away, escaping to a far-off place. But my body limits me. I can only turn over sideways. Sometimes I topple till the edge of the bed and look below.
“Can take another turn?”
Once, I had convinced myself to take the last turn and topple to the ground, but nanny grasped me with both her arms.
Chapter 6: Feelings
I need to understand and realise what is my own energy and what is external energy that I am absorbing.
I don’t like to see the sight of anybody in the house, not even my parents. They disgust me and make me feel bad about myself. I don’t like the way they treated me.
But there is something about nanny that is different. She treats me differently. Her attitude towards me is different from my parents’ attitude towards me.
I trust her. When she holds me and makes me eat food, or tries to play with me. I smile in her company. I am able to communicate with her through my eyes. I wonder if she can understand my desires or thoughts.
Chapter 7: The gate
It was true. Sunita didi did understand my thoughts through my eyes. Today after getting up, bathing and eating; she took me outside in the garden.
I was in her arms. To my utter surprise I spotted the same gate I had seen in my dreams. I found the gate, and the key was nanny. She led to this place. I told her through my eyes that I wanted to get closer to the gate. She took me there. I could feel the sweet emotion of accomplishment. My mom called us in, but I noticed the way till my room as I knew I will have to make this journey to the gate when the time comes.
The time did come, 17 years later. But a lot had changed since.
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